My First Night
by Madam Mare
Summary: But she’s not waiting for me tonight. Not anymore. Femslash...not your thing? Dont open it.


Title: My First Night  
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU  
Characters: Casey/Olivia  
Category: Character death! Angst!  
Rating: PG  
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.  
Summary: But she's not waiting for me tonight. Not anymore.  
Note: Tissue warning…I made myself tear up! Inspired by Cyndi Lauper's song, "My First Night Without You" although I put quiet a dark spin on it.

XXXX

I squint into the harsh evening sun as I pull out of the precinct parking lot. It happened yesterday, but I couldn't just sit around the apartment all day. Everyone said it was 'too soon.' and that I 'should take some personal time.' But I couldn't. I knew if I took some time off, I probably wouldn't come back, and I know that Casey wouldn't want that. When we first got together, the DA's office moved Casey out of Sex Crimes and into Homicide. I won't lie; I missed working with her, but knowing that she would be waiting to go home with me at the end of the day, made it bearable. But she's not waiting for me tonight. Not anymore. The sun would soon be setting, bringing night along with it.

XXXX

I knew it was coming for a while. So did Casey. Five days ago she told me she was going to die. She was so convinced. I told her to stop being silly, but she insisted that I knew. The disease didn't claim her quickly by any means. When she was first diagnosed, the doctors told us that we would be lucky if she had six months left. That was three years ago. We did okay for the first year or so, I mean chemo was hell, but all things considered we did okay. January is when it all started to go down hill. The chemo sessions just got worse and worse. Casey began to look like a specimen that should be in the morgue with Melinda. It seemed like Casey had just about moved into the bathroom, but I was always there to hold her hair, or what was left of it at that point, back for her.

XXXX

I swirl the whiskey around the bottom of my glass before I take a shot. The amber liquid burns its path down my throat and settles in my belly. She used to be able to throw back shots with the best of them. I remember one time she bet Munch that she could out drink him. He didn't believe her and ended up losing fifty bucks. It should have been one hundred but Casey didn't want to 'rob' him. Why couldn't I have problems with my memory? Then I could forget. I could forget about how her smile could light up a room. I could forget the way we used to take long walks in the park just talking about nothing. And I could forget about the way she looked when she used to turn the volume of the living room stereo way up and sing along to the music. She was always slightly off-key but it was always beautiful to me.

XXXX

My first night without her. At least officially. The last three nights of her life were spent lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of IV's and machines. The day that she insisted that I check her out was the day that I lost her. She told me that she didn't want to die in a hospital. The way she looked at me when she said that… I don't think I will ever get that look out of my mind. Her green eyes used to sparkle, but looking at me then, they were dull, and shone with unshed tears. How could I deny her?

XXXX

The hours are quickly ticking by, but I'm not tired. I dread going to sleep. Our bedroom, our bed, seems so empty. I don't even know if sleep will claim me tonight, or if I will just lie there silently, with tears streaming down my face. What if in my tired stupor I forget? What if I forget and I reach out for her? And what if her soul appears to me in my dreams?

XXXX

May 20th 2008 was the day that heaven gained another angel. That day I took her to the park. We sat at 'our' bench and cuddled, just enjoying each other. That day she poured her heart out to me. She told me that although she tried to live by her motto, never doubt, never look back, she couldn't help but reflect back on her life. She told me how she wished she had made up with her mother before it was too late. And that she wished that she hadn't waited so long to make me hers. She said that our time together was too short.

XXXX

I take one final shot before rising, surprisingly enough, steadily to my feet. Like a robot, I went through my bedtime routine. Undress, check. Wash up, check. Get a glass of water, check. Brush teeth, check. Turn the bed down, check. Kiss Casey goodnight, check. I blow a kiss to the air, still branded by her scent. Good night my love. May 20th 2008, the day that angels learned all about closing arguments.

~Finis!~


End file.
